STORM CLOUDS

I have really been struggling with this blog lately.

I have wanted to post an update (other than Not Me! Monday's or Tasty Tuesday's), but I didn't want to come across as being negative. Yet that is all I have been feeling lately, negativity. I have really been under an attack from the enemy! I feel like I really know the meaning of the phrase "sacrifice" of praise (Praising God even when we don't feel like it, because HE deserves it). I feel like i have lived every word of the Casting Crowns song "Praise You in the Storm."

Christmas was especially hard for me this year. Typically my house looks like the North Pole; I have tons of lights and decorations, complete with Mickey and Minnie, Light up Candy Canes, and lighted deer drinking from a lake made of blue lights on a snowy bank of white lights. This year I just couldn't make myself do anything other than a wreath on the door with some lights on it and a tree. I felt like a dark storm cloud had settled over my life, and I couldn't get out from under it. I was begging God for answers!

I have battled depression for a long time, but since I gave my life back to Christ and started living for him, the depression left. Then with the miscarriage every depression and anxiety came back worse than before. Sunday morning at church, I went to the alter during prayer time. I decided I was going to pray and seek God and I wasn't leaving until I was delivered from these horrible feelings of anxiety & depression. God is so good, and so faithful. I prayed for a while begging and crying, but the release came when I shut-up and let God speak. I stopped begging and just said, OK God here I am, I am listening. He spoke to me though my Pastor. Now I am not going to get into the specifics of the message that he gave, but the minute he started speaking to me I felt the tension release in my chest and I felt like someone had picked up this heavy heavy load I had been carrying for so long.

I still don't have my answers, I am still not pregnant, I still don't know when or if I will be again. But God gently reminds me that I don't have to know the reasons, I just have to know that there IS a reason, an eternal purpose. God will not do or allow anything that isn't for my good, and as long as I am walking in his will, he is going to take me to a better future than I ever could have planned for myself. I am so blessed! God is so good to me!

So I am still here and plan on posting more about what is going on in my life, I just haven't really had anything very uplifting to say. I have decided if all I can write is negativity, then I would rather just not write. I don't like reading sad blogs and I sure don't want this to turn into one of them!